Here's How I Accidentally Outperformed the S&P 500

I didn't think into it at all.

"When the music stops, in terms of liquidity, things will be complicated. But as long as the music is playing, you've got to get up and dance. We're still dancing." - Former Citigroup CEO Chuck Prince. Summer, 2007.

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Hi all, Ri here — happy Monday! And yes, it is a happy Monday, no matter what the S&P 500 is doing. Speaking of… according to MarketWatch, the S&P 500 and the Nasdaq just had their worst weeks since March 2020 (aka when we all thought we’d have two week long breaks from work + school + life respectively…) 

First of all, the S&P 500 is a joke. I literally outperformed it with stock picks that are applicable to my daily life instead of things that I know nothing about… without trying.

See attached.

In honor of hedge fund managers and the entirety of FinTwit freaking out, we’re going to be pulling some confessions out about short selling + stocks in general, but before that, your favorite girl in New York has a blanket statement to make. 

“Markets are down” is absolutely not a valid reason to stop buying cocktails for hot girls at Paul’s Baby Grand. 

Anyways… let’s get into the good stuff. 

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“PMD: Can some fire Jerome Powell already? Every time he speaks the market crashes. He’s as dumb as the orange baby that hired him.” 

First of all, Trump’s tweets were iconic. Even though he probably shouldn’t be on Twitter, I sometimes wonder what he thinks about Diet Coke and Kristen Stewart. Before you cancel me or Wall Street Confessions, this is in no way, shape, or form an endorsement or alignment with him… just a mere observation.

I digress… but it’s totally not J-Pow’s fault that you either didn’t buy into the last five dips or that you’ve just waited too long to sell by now. Daddy is absolutely printing money that funds not only your (hopefully) Barbour vests, but my Chanel bags.

Let’s cut him some slack. 

Life is far too short to be miserable if you don’t have to be. With that being said, none of this was fundamental market analysis or technical analysis. I’m here for your weekly dose of snarky commentary and weird thought-pieces that almost no one else in traditional finance will entertain. Hang in there - things could be much worse.

If you truly do feel stuck in a rut, here’s a Forbes article on some things you can do to get unstuck and move ahead. If that isn’t enough, here’s an article from Harvard Business Review that is also actionable and is specifically about being in the “survival zone.”

All jokes completely aside — if you feel like your anxiety is peaking or if you need someone to talk to immediately, SAMSHA’s National Helpline is 1-800-662-HELP (4357).

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